God's Will vs. Man's Plan

God's will is such a mystery to me. I'm know I'm not the first to think or say that. So much of my Christian journey has been consumed with trying to figure out what God's will is for my life.  Up until my junior year of college I equated God's will for my life with a treasure map that I was supposed to decipher using prayer, divine inspiration from the Bible, and by being aware of how God was using the every day circumstance of my life to form me and guide me.  Somehow, using these rather ambiguous guidelines, I was supposed to discover that "perfect job" , the "perfect husband," the "perfect house" like treasures God had buried for me along His "Will for Amy's Life Treasure Map."  The idea that I had to find each of these treasures buried specifically for me and not get them confused with other treasures that looked so similar and just as wonderful and right for my life was daunting, to say the least. What if I was offered two teaching jobs, one in second grade and another in third with equally ideal working conditions? Which one was my buried treasure? What if I uncovered the wrong one? How would I know it wasn't God's will? Time and time again, especially during those pivotal college years when the decisions made carry a far greater impact on one's life, I was overwhelmed with frustration with my lack of ability to decipher God's "treasure map will" for my life.

I can remember exactly where I was physically standing in my dorm room when I finally realized the beautiful truth of what God's true will for my life was really was.  Yes, there was a job and a man and a house and so much more, but I was missing the forest for the trees!!! God's will was simply that I love Him, seek a relationship with Him, bring honor & glory to His name, and be an empty, willing vessel for Him to fill & use. There wasn't a "perfect job" out there.  There were many jobs where I could build relationships with broken people much like myself who needed the love of God in their lives. I could do that teaching third grade or AP biology or serving burgers at McDonald's! There wasn't one "perfect house" in a "perfect neighborhood." There were so many houses in so many neighborhoods with neighbors who I could shower with God's love in so many different ways if I was open and ready and willing.

All of this to say that even though God's will for our lives is so very simple, it can still be confusing, and that's where faith comes in. Joe & I knew that it was God's will that we were to adopt.  At that point we didn't know if biological children were still in our future, but we knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that we were being called to adopt.  Other than starting to do our homework on adoption agencies and start saving our pennies, we didn't really know what else to do except pray.  So we did.  We asked our families and friends to pray with us. 

Now here is where God's will dumbfounds me still.  Sometimes when we pray for something we believe is in God's will, God answers right away with a "yes" or a "no." And sometimes He says wait and you're not really sure you will ever even get to see an answer to your prayer.  For example, praying for the salvation of a loved one.  That is, for sure, without a shadow of a doubt, in God's will!  He wants, even longs to answer that prayer.  But one might pray for years before seeing the loved one surrender their lives.  And then there are other prayers, like praying for God to bring you a child to adopt, that get answered before you even start praying.

And that's how our prayers were answered.

Joe & I celebrated our second wedding anniversary in Victoria BC that year.  We had a marvelous time!  Our long weekend in June included sleeping in, room service, dessert at every meal, shopping, high tea, leisurely walks around the harbor & city, more room service, watching fireworks over the harbor from our hotel room... it was heavenly!  We had not a care or concern in the world other than enjoying ourselves to the max.  During our stay, we discussed more of our plans for the future... namely starting the adoption process when we got home. It was our plan to do some research over the summer, pick an agency to work with, start saving up some money and within a couple years bring a baby home from Ethiopia (or some other African country) to start our family.

How does that saying go? "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." God quickly revealed to us that His plan for us was on a much shorter time table, and didn't require quite as much travel across the world as we were anticipating. I don't remember what our pastor preached about that Sunday, what I wore, what the weather was like, what I ate that morning for breakfast (although it mostly likely included coffee), but that day is etched in my mind for eternity.  It was the day that God took us by the hand, or maybe He grabbed us around the waist, and jumped with us, out of our comfort zone and into His exciting, scary, overwhelming Will.

How it all started

This story is a hard one to write.  Not because of the content.  It is one of the happiest, most amazing things that has ever happened in my life and I love telling it over and over to anyone who will listen.  But telling it and actually writing it down are two totally different things.  I want to write it in a way that will honor and respect everyone involved. I want to record not only the events that transpired but my feelings, my thoughts, my inner dialogue as God turned my world, our world, on its head in matter of months.

I guess our side of this story really starts in the spring of 2009.  Joe and I had settled quite comfortably into married life.  We had bought our dream home in downtown Tacoma a year before and were enjoying the benefits of  "DINK-hood" (double income, no kids). We were looking forward to celebrating our second anniversary that summer, I was seriously considering tackling the rigorous National Teaching Certification process during the next school year, and we were taking full advantage of our weekends and vacation time to make frequent visits to see family and various parts of the United States. Although we had discussed plans for expanding our family before we ever tied the knot, we were still basking in the glow of married bliss and had plans of waiting at least another two years before adding a "mini-Cooper" to our two-some.

That spring I read the book There Is No Me Without You, a powerful story about the life of Haregewoin Teferra, an Ethiopian woman who gave her life to caring for some of the countless orphans of the African AIDS crisis in her hometown of Addis Ababa. Her story stirred something in me that I never knew existed.  Even before Joe and I said our vows, we had talked about the possibility of adopting or at least checking out the process of becoming foster parents. I think we both assumed that we would have a few biological children because that's just "what you do" and then explore the possibility of expanding our family via adoption or foster care. My experience with teaching had revealed that God had given both of us a heart for kids... especially kids that needed a little extra TLC.  After reading Haregewoin's story, the desire to adopt became more than just a desire.  It became a passion, a need, an urgency!!!  We decided that I would use my time off that summer to start researching various adoption agencies, the cost (we knew it would be expensive), and the timeline.  We knew an adoption could take years, and with my new knowledge of the plight of the Ethiopian orphans, we originally planned to adopt internationally which could possibly take even longer.  If we were going to stick to our carefully laid family planning timeline, we'd have to really get on it if we wanted a baby by the time we were celebrating our fourth anniversary.

It was also right around this time that I became very aware of how comfortable our lives had become.  And not comfortable in a necessarily good way.  I don't believe that to be a "good Christian" one must be living in a constant state of duress or persecution. Not every Christian life must be a direct reflection of the Old Testament Job who literally had everything, house, family, health, and friends, stripped from him in a matter of months.  Living the Christian life does not mean being a walking billboard for pain, misery, and distress.  In fact, it should be the exact opposite regardless of life's circumstances, but I digress.  

My point is, I looked around at our wonderful little life, new house fully furnished, two incomes, great jobs, wonderful friends, healthy bodies, amazing church family and while I thanked God for His many blessings, I also asked Him to challenge us.  I was afraid that we were getting too comfortable in our happy little picket fence existence and were in danger of slipping into a life of mediocrity & self-reliance. The Bible says in James 1:2-4 "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."  Joe and I had never really faced any tests or challenges to our faith in our marriage or even while we were dating.  We both had experienced some in our single-hood, but never as a couple.  And while one might never wish hardship on themselves, I did want God to challenge us in our faith, push us outside our comfort-zone, put us in a place of full reliance on Him instead of on ourselves.

Well, they say to be careful what you wish (or pray) for because you just might get it!!! Our family is a walking testament to that! No sooner had I prayed that prayer that God started moving behind the scenes to orchestrate a series of events that would push us so far outside our comfort zone our lives would never ever look the same!  At the time, I thought the challenge would lie in the long adoption journey we had decided to embark on. Trusting God to match us up with the perfect child, giving us grace & patience as we waded through a forest worth of paperwork, relying on Him as we flew to a foreign country to meet a child who we might not even be able to communicate with... that's where I thought He was going to take us.  And in a way, I was right, but the journey wasn't going to be as long or as far as I had anticipated.

Sometimes I feel guilty

I am not a waster of things. Time? Give me a day and I can fill it with hours of Facebook stalking, Pinteresting, random Googling, Bubble Mania playing, excessive picture organizing, and any number of other non-productive activities.  But things... food, fabric, paint, clothes, cleaning supplies, make-up... it kills me to throw anything away that may be useful to me in the future.

When Joe and I first made the decision to grow our family through adoption, we didn't rule out biological children. We discussed having both, although adopting children was of far greater concern than making sure we passed on our genetics.  After Aaron came to live with us, we began to have more and more conversations about adding to our family solely through adoption and foster care and even talked of taking permanent measures to make sure we didn't get pregnant.  At that point we didn't really know what God had in store for us, and even though our passion for adoption was great, we also knew we didn't want Aaron to be an only child.  We didn't want to make a big (mostly) permanent decision without further direction from God.  When Jackson came along, it was pretty clear to both Joe and I that we could take the step to permanently prevent any pregnancies with a clear conscience. We prayed that God would continue to add to our family, but if He chose not to, our arms and hearts were full with our two beautiful boys.

Even though I have absolutely no regrets about our decision to not have biological children, I still have feelings of guilt.  This may sound completely silly because it feels silly just typing it out, but I feel guilty that I may have wasted a completely good uterus. I have watched friends and acquaintances struggle with infertility, miscarriages, and even the adoption process.  Days and weeks and months of waiting, Dr.'s appointments, home studies, more waiting, paperwork, tests, and again, more waiting. Watching friends and family grow their tiny herds year after year while they wait with empty arms. I hurt for them. I feel completely helpless as I watch them bravely soldier on... and I feel guilty.

Now, I know that children are not commodity to be traded around on a supply & demand market... obviously!!!  They aren't like kittens and puppies to be given away to anyone and everyone who thinks they'll make a good parent.  And I also know that God is working and moving in each of our lives in very different ways.  One of my favorite verses is Job 23:10 "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." I truly believe that God has a very specific plan for each and every one of us.  Part of our plan was adoption... and quick ones, at that. His plan for the others clearly includes waiting, patiently waiting for the right child to come along or the perfect combination of the right hormones and biology to conceive a child. 

But as I look around at my "perfect" little family, as I kiss the sweet faces of my three beautiful children that are nothing less than surprise gifts straight from God, and as I watch with a broken heart as dear friends with empty arms sit and wait on God and His ever perfect timing to fill those arms to overflowing, I just can't help but wonder, should I have used what God gave me biologically and let these dear little ones fill another, less fortunate home with the sounds of their happy laughter?  Did I waste a perfectly good uterus?

And then God quietly reminds me that He never makes mistakes. He never leads me down a certain path by accident. He brings to mind all the tiny little details that He perfectly orchestrated over the past few years that remind me that nothing was left to chance.  These little people were meant to be my children before they were ever conceived. And instead of letting Satan rob me of the joy and wonder of that thought with feelings of guilt, I need get down on my knees and praise the One who knows the beginning from the end that I get to play a part in this amazing story!!!  As Beth Moore once wrote in her Bible study of Esther, "When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and ever last one of them will turn out to be a great read, with a grand ending!"

**UPDATE**
Whenever I doubt that God is doing something, anything in my life, I will come back and read this blog to remind myself that He is always on the move. Even when He asks us to sit and wait on His timing, He is constantly putting into motion things that we don't even understand, but when they are revealed to us in His perfect time, we will drop to our knees in awe of His omniscience.

A year ago (11/2016), I went in for my annual "ladies" exam and was diagnosed with endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disorder where the endometrial cells that normally line the inside of the uterus grow on the outside around the ovaries and Fallopian tubes. Just like the cells inside the uterus, these cells are regulated by hormones each month and thicken, break down and bleed. The only difference is the excess tissue has nowhere to exit the body so it forms cysts which can cause problems such as scar tissue or adhesions to the surrounding organs. In 30-50% of cases, endometriosis can cause infertility. 
It is quite possible that I had been suffering from endometriosis for quite a while, but had no symptoms until the summer of 2016. After several ultrasounds, it was determined that there was a large endometrial cyst on my left ovary, making it twice the size of my uterus. A couple doses of hormones were prescribed as well as surgery to remove the ovary and offending cyst.

During the many Dr.'s appointments and diagnostic ultrasounds, it was also discovered that I have a bicornuate uterus. According to Wikipedia, it is described as "a uterus composed of two "horns" separated by a septum." It's also known as a "heart-shaped" uterus.  Basically, instead of having just one "room" for a baby to develop, my uterus is divided into two almost completely separate "rooms." Women with this condition have about a 60% chance of delivering a living child but also have a high risk of spontaneous abortion, premature labor, delivering breech, as well as other complications during delivery.

All this to say that, it turns out I'm not wasting a perfectly good uterus after all! Mine was basically useless from the start. Had Joe and I tried to grow our family through biological means it may have been a long and fruitless journey. While I still don't understand why God chose to spare us the heartache of empty arms while writing that into the story of some of my near and dear friends, I do know that "... we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28).  And He continues to blow me away with the way He perfectly orchestrates the events of our lives in such a way that can only leave us on our knees at the feet of His throne in complete awe and wonder.