When Joe and I first made the decision to grow our family through adoption, we didn't rule out biological children. We discussed having both, although adopting children was of far greater concern than making sure we passed on our genetics. After Aaron came to live with us, we began to have more and more conversations about adding to our family solely through adoption and foster care and even talked of taking permanent measures to make sure we didn't get pregnant. At that point we didn't really know what God had in store for us, and even though our passion for adoption was great, we also knew we didn't want Aaron to be an only child. We didn't want to make a big (mostly) permanent decision without further direction from God. When Jackson came along, it was pretty clear to both Joe and I that we could take the step to permanently prevent any pregnancies with a clear conscience. We prayed that God would continue to add to our family, but if He chose not to, our arms and hearts were full with our two beautiful boys.
Even though I have absolutely no regrets about our decision to not have biological children, I still have feelings of guilt. This may sound completely silly because it feels silly just typing it out, but I feel guilty that I may have wasted a completely good uterus. I have watched friends and acquaintances struggle with infertility, miscarriages, and even the adoption process. Days and weeks and months of waiting, Dr.'s appointments, home studies, more waiting, paperwork, tests, and again, more waiting. Watching friends and family grow their tiny herds year after year while they wait with empty arms. I hurt for them. I feel completely helpless as I watch them bravely soldier on... and I feel guilty.
Now, I know that children are not commodity to be traded around on a supply & demand market... obviously!!! They aren't like kittens and puppies to be given away to anyone and everyone who thinks they'll make a good parent. And I also know that God is working and moving in each of our lives in very different ways. One of my favorite verses is Job 23:10 "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." I truly believe that God has a very specific plan for each and every one of us. Part of our plan was adoption... and quick ones, at that. His plan for the others clearly includes waiting, patiently waiting for the right child to come along or the perfect combination of the right hormones and biology to conceive a child.
But as I look around at my "perfect" little family, as I kiss the sweet faces of my three beautiful children that are nothing less than surprise gifts straight from God, and as I watch with a broken heart as dear friends with empty arms sit and wait on God and His ever perfect timing to fill those arms to overflowing, I just can't help but wonder, should I have used what God gave me biologically and let these dear little ones fill another, less fortunate home with the sounds of their happy laughter? Did I waste a perfectly good uterus?
And then God quietly reminds me that He never makes mistakes. He never leads me down a certain path by accident. He brings to mind all the tiny little details that He perfectly orchestrated over the past few years that remind me that nothing was left to chance. These little people were meant to be my children before they were ever conceived. And instead of letting Satan rob me of the joy and wonder of that thought with feelings of guilt, I need get down on my knees and praise the One who knows the beginning from the end that I get to play a part in this amazing story!!! As Beth Moore once wrote in her Bible study of Esther, "When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and ever last one of them will turn out to be a great read, with a grand ending!"
**UPDATE**
Whenever I doubt that God is doing something, anything in my life, I will come back and read this blog to remind myself that He is always on the move. Even when He asks us to sit and wait on His timing, He is constantly putting into motion things that we don't even understand, but when they are revealed to us in His perfect time, we will drop to our knees in awe of His omniscience.
A year ago (11/2016), I went in for my annual "ladies" exam and was diagnosed with endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disorder where the endometrial cells that normally line the inside of the uterus grow on the outside around the ovaries and Fallopian tubes. Just like the cells inside the uterus, these cells are regulated by hormones each month and thicken, break down and bleed. The only difference is the excess tissue has nowhere to exit the body so it forms cysts which can cause problems such as scar tissue or adhesions to the surrounding organs. In 30-50% of cases, endometriosis can cause infertility.
It is quite possible that I had been suffering from endometriosis for quite a while, but had no symptoms until the summer of 2016. After several ultrasounds, it was determined that there was a large endometrial cyst on my left ovary, making it twice the size of my uterus. A couple doses of hormones were prescribed as well as surgery to remove the ovary and offending cyst.
During the many Dr.'s appointments and diagnostic ultrasounds, it was also discovered that I have a bicornuate uterus. According to Wikipedia, it is described as "a uterus composed of two "horns" separated by a septum." It's also known as a "heart-shaped" uterus. Basically, instead of having just one "room" for a baby to develop, my uterus is divided into two almost completely separate "rooms." Women with this condition have about a 60% chance of delivering a living child but also have a high risk of spontaneous abortion, premature labor, delivering breech, as well as other complications during delivery.
All this to say that, it turns out I'm not wasting a perfectly good uterus after all! Mine was basically useless from the start. Had Joe and I tried to grow our family through biological means it may have been a long and fruitless journey. While I still don't understand why God chose to spare us the heartache of empty arms while writing that into the story of some of my near and dear friends, I do know that "... we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28). And He continues to blow me away with the way He perfectly orchestrates the events of our lives in such a way that can only leave us on our knees at the feet of His throne in complete awe and wonder.
Now, I know that children are not commodity to be traded around on a supply & demand market... obviously!!! They aren't like kittens and puppies to be given away to anyone and everyone who thinks they'll make a good parent. And I also know that God is working and moving in each of our lives in very different ways. One of my favorite verses is Job 23:10 "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." I truly believe that God has a very specific plan for each and every one of us. Part of our plan was adoption... and quick ones, at that. His plan for the others clearly includes waiting, patiently waiting for the right child to come along or the perfect combination of the right hormones and biology to conceive a child.
But as I look around at my "perfect" little family, as I kiss the sweet faces of my three beautiful children that are nothing less than surprise gifts straight from God, and as I watch with a broken heart as dear friends with empty arms sit and wait on God and His ever perfect timing to fill those arms to overflowing, I just can't help but wonder, should I have used what God gave me biologically and let these dear little ones fill another, less fortunate home with the sounds of their happy laughter? Did I waste a perfectly good uterus?
And then God quietly reminds me that He never makes mistakes. He never leads me down a certain path by accident. He brings to mind all the tiny little details that He perfectly orchestrated over the past few years that remind me that nothing was left to chance. These little people were meant to be my children before they were ever conceived. And instead of letting Satan rob me of the joy and wonder of that thought with feelings of guilt, I need get down on my knees and praise the One who knows the beginning from the end that I get to play a part in this amazing story!!! As Beth Moore once wrote in her Bible study of Esther, "When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and ever last one of them will turn out to be a great read, with a grand ending!"
**UPDATE**
Whenever I doubt that God is doing something, anything in my life, I will come back and read this blog to remind myself that He is always on the move. Even when He asks us to sit and wait on His timing, He is constantly putting into motion things that we don't even understand, but when they are revealed to us in His perfect time, we will drop to our knees in awe of His omniscience.
A year ago (11/2016), I went in for my annual "ladies" exam and was diagnosed with endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disorder where the endometrial cells that normally line the inside of the uterus grow on the outside around the ovaries and Fallopian tubes. Just like the cells inside the uterus, these cells are regulated by hormones each month and thicken, break down and bleed. The only difference is the excess tissue has nowhere to exit the body so it forms cysts which can cause problems such as scar tissue or adhesions to the surrounding organs. In 30-50% of cases, endometriosis can cause infertility.
It is quite possible that I had been suffering from endometriosis for quite a while, but had no symptoms until the summer of 2016. After several ultrasounds, it was determined that there was a large endometrial cyst on my left ovary, making it twice the size of my uterus. A couple doses of hormones were prescribed as well as surgery to remove the ovary and offending cyst.
During the many Dr.'s appointments and diagnostic ultrasounds, it was also discovered that I have a bicornuate uterus. According to Wikipedia, it is described as "a uterus composed of two "horns" separated by a septum." It's also known as a "heart-shaped" uterus. Basically, instead of having just one "room" for a baby to develop, my uterus is divided into two almost completely separate "rooms." Women with this condition have about a 60% chance of delivering a living child but also have a high risk of spontaneous abortion, premature labor, delivering breech, as well as other complications during delivery.
All this to say that, it turns out I'm not wasting a perfectly good uterus after all! Mine was basically useless from the start. Had Joe and I tried to grow our family through biological means it may have been a long and fruitless journey. While I still don't understand why God chose to spare us the heartache of empty arms while writing that into the story of some of my near and dear friends, I do know that "... we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28). And He continues to blow me away with the way He perfectly orchestrates the events of our lives in such a way that can only leave us on our knees at the feet of His throne in complete awe and wonder.
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